Life, Love, Grace, or Carefree?

           

One of the things I got to do during my internship was to work with the various caregivers assigned to the group home.  This was a great learning experience for me on many different levels. 

                As background, the apartment houses up to a dozen girls, ages 11-17, for anywhere between a couple months to a little more than a year (whatever time it takes to sort out their parent’s situation).  Most girls have a background of poverty, neglect, alcoholism and abuse; most have developed a variety of bad habits (lying, stealing, ditching school, running away) and self-destructive behaviors (cutting, drinking, drug use, etc.).   Taken as a group, you can only imagine how difficult it must be to work with them.

                

There are four female social workers/caregivers assigned to the apartment; none of them live in (there is no house mom), instead, they all work alternating shifts.   Let’s call them, Zoya, Luba, Ania and Raisa (changed names.)  Their shifts were fairly regular, so the girls pretty much knew who would be working when.  All of the social workers were qualified, competent professionals, but each of them had a different personality and approach to their work.  Truly, I couldn't have asked for better exposure to real-life applications of behavioral theory.

              

 Zoya (life) is the oldest and most experienced of the social workers. She is probably in her 60’s.  If I was going to characterize her, I would say she is most like our stereotype of a ‘soviet’ woman.  She is a no-nonsense woman with an authoritative manner.  She is heavily invested in her approach to the girls; she believes they need a strong hand enforcing structure and control.  She believes that being very strict is what will keep the girls from ‘going bad’ later when they leave. 

                Despite having worked with disadvantaged kids for a number of years, she still has a strong life force that she desperately wants to share with these girls.  Zoya knows the statistics -- 9 out of 10 of these girls will likely fail life.  Too often, she’s seen what that failure looks like and she fears for these girls.  She also knows she has a very limited time to have any impact on them. 

. . . but perfect love casts out fear. . . 1 John 4:18

                Taking a completely opposite approach is Luba (love).  She is also an experienced social worker and I would guess she’s around 30 years old.  She’s a single mom that commutes a fair distance for the job and works long hours because she believes in what she’s doing.  Honestly, between work and being mom, I have no idea when she sleeps.  Her approach is to love the girls, show an interest in them and believe the best about them.  She always greets them with genuine smiles and speaks kindly to them even when they are rude in return.  She tries to offer correction in positive comments and doesn’t raise her voice or try to compete when the yelling starts.  She also invests a lot of herself in the girls and works many hours ‘off the clock’.  If a girl wants to talk, even as Luba’s leaving, she will put down her things, find a place to sit with her and listen as long as the girl needs to talk.  

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous, it does not brag, and it is not proud.  ⁵ Love is not rude, is not selfish, and does not get upset with others.

Love does not count up wrongs that have been done. ⁶ Love takes no pleasure in evil but rejoices over the truth. ⁷ Love patiently accepts all things. It always trusts, always hopes, and always endures. ⁸ Love never ends. . . 1 Cor. 13:4-8

               

                Ania (grace) is probably in her 50’s, single and has a very soft voice.  She tries to love the girls and reason with them but she is not as patient or consistent as Luba.     She can also be strict and engage in yelling.  She is probably the most like a real parent in that regard, trying different approaches to find what works.  Unfortunately, she is kind of a pushover and the girls know that and use it to their advantage.

But a Samaritan, who was on a journey, came upon him;

and when he saw him, he felt compassion, . . . Luke 10:33

                Finally, there is Raisa (carefree), a woman in her 50’s who is neither authoritarian nor gracious, but simply worn down.  She’s no longer trying to ‘save’ anyone, she’s happy to simply end her shift with the house not having burned down and no one requiring emergency medical treatment. In a conversation I had with her she told me, “It’s just plain useless to try to teach or parent them at this age, they have already picked up all the bad habits and won’t change.”

. . . do not grow weary of doing good . . 2 Thess 3:13

               While all the elements for success exist among these individuals, they don’t function at all like a team.  They’ve had department meetings and tried to outline a collective strategy, but they haven’t yet found a way to successfully integrate all their strengths into a solid, workable solution.  Of course, the girls, whose survival skills have been honed in broken homes or on the streets, are quick to manipulate (and abuse) the caregivers who are essentially ‘going it alone’.   The disappointing thing is they are EACH right and they are ALL wrong. 

                Zoya is absolutely right that the girls need structure.  Most of them have lived in dysfunctional, even dangerous homes.  They’ve had alcoholic parents.  They’ve been emotionally neglected and abused; some physically or sexually abused.  They haven’t had anyone nurturing them, teaching them right from wrong or giving them basic life skills.  They don’t know (or care) what acceptable behavior is and they don’t understand the concept of self-control.  However, her approach to imposing structure and control on them is constantly met with resistant (an odd exception is one girl who knows to remove her nose piercing when Zoya is on duty).  The girls are disrespectful and defiant; they smoke in the bedroom just to make her mad, some even schedule their running away based on when she’s working and their returning when she’s not.    Ultimately, Zoya loses ground with them as she allows them to manipulate her into screaming matches.  

                Luba is absolutely right that the girls need love, attention and mentoring.  They also need to feel safe and have an opportunity to heal, but they struggle trying to stand on ground that is always shifting, forcing them to react to one hostile environment after another.   The love that is so generously shown, the heartfelt words of affirmation spoken and the quality time so freely given by Luba only sometimes tips the balance (in the girls favor) when weighed against all the negative messages they’ve already internalized and the frequently hostile environment they live in. 

                Ania is right in that there is no single approach that works with all the girls all the time.  Even Raisa is right in that expectations need to be realistic and boundaries need to be set in order to maintain sanity and avoid work burn-out.  And, she recognizes that tools (structure, love, self-control, mentoring) are only effective when the girl herself chooses to pick up a tool, learn to use it and start building something for herself. 

                I do see the Lord has miraculously assembled this group of women, placed them together and given them a heart for these girls.  Please join in prayer for each of them that they not only come to know the Lord as their personal savior, but that they are filled with His Spirit, and that He would then ‘prosper the work of their hands’. 

But the fruit of the Spirit is love,

 joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness,

faithfulness, gentleness

and self-control  Gal 5:22

            Overall, living with the girls and getting to know the caregivers was a really a good experience for me.  I learned a lot about how the hurts in life change us and what it takes to overcome those hurts.  I learned a lot about parenting and coaching and what would or might work best for when I have an orphanage or other children under my care.  In closing, I will say that the girls were generally better behaved and calmer when Luba is in the apartment.  To me, this validates my belief that Love is the Key, to healing, wholeness and hope.  

So, while no one’s parenting or caregiving skills are perfect, it would be best to make mistakes on the side of love.

Then and Now

                I wanted to write a little about the changes I observed at my former orphanage from the time I lived there (Oct 2001-Sep 2002), the time I visited (June 2009) and my recent internship (Dec 2012-Jan 2013). 

                When I lived in Dom Miloserdiya, it was a faith-based orphanage operated by the Russian Orthodox Church.  Within the building itself, there were dormitories, a home school, and a fully operational church used solely for the resident children (and staff).  “Chapel” was an integral part of daily life.   The orphanage strongly believed that children should be exposed to the arts and had a well-developed theater program for the children.  They also believed that children should have a bigger view of the world than their little neighborhood; they owned a ‘dacha’ (coutry house) outside the city, had contacts with a monastery in Novgorod and the loan of another dacha in Sochi.     

                DM was what is called a ‘priyut’ (roughly ‘first’).  It is the first place children are taken when they are removed from their homes.  The children stay there until the court determines whether they can be reunited with their families, given into a relative’s care or whether they will become wards of the state.  Most children live there for only a year, maybe two, while the court determines their fate.  A few children are adopted directly from the priyut, but most are transferred to state orphanages after their parental rights are terminated (which is what happened to me).

                When I visited in 2009, Dom Miloserdiya was still a faith-based orphanage and you could feel the love and caring atmosphere the moment you walked in.  My former caregivers Antonina and Masha still worked there and not only remembered me, but they found some photos of me when I lived there.  What a blessing!   

                The orphanage had recently completed some internal remodeling to allow for expansion; my former bedroom had been transformed to a school room, a new stairwell had been added and the 3^rd floor attic space finished which included a studio for the resident icon painter, Victor.   Apart from that though, I can say that it was just as I remembered it.  Entering the orphanage, there was the same doorkeeper to the left and wide staircase straight ahead.  I remembered you had to go outside and down some steps to access the kitchen and the playground was just opposite.  There was the blue and white delft tile fireplace and the windows overlooking the Neva.

                Sometime after my 2009 visit, a lot of things changed.  The biggest change is that the state assumed control of the orphanage and has slowly separated the children’s care from the church so that not only are they no longer given Christian teaching, but they are not allowed access to the chapel that is on the premises.  While some of the administration and staff are (devout) Christians, employees are no longer required to be and those who are are limited in what they can share with the children (similar to how our American schools work).  The church inside the building has become a neighborhood parish and the majority of the building is given to church administration.  Two dormitories for the children remain, but the goal is to relocate the children into another building nearby.  The offices that support the orphanage and group homes have already been relocated.  The dacha has been sold and the children now attend state-sponsored summer camps.  All of this seemed so sad to me because Dom Miloserdiya is where I first learned about my Heavenly Father. Knowing Him gave me hope and a purpose, Dom Miloserdia is where my walk with the Lord started. It is where many seeds were planted. 

 God led me there to continue planting seeds, so I'm certain His hand is still upon that place. 

Last Week In Russia

First, my apologies for taking so long to update my blog.  So much happened during my 6 weeks in Russia, it took some time to process everything and then to decide which parts to write about.   Also, when I first came home, I was really sick.  Then, I had to catch up on my schoolwork, turn in my projects and take 1^st semester finals.  After that, honestly, it was mostly laziness.   Sorry.

                My last week in St. Petersburg was absolutely amazing! I finally got comfortable with the whole subway system and traveling around the big city.  I felt and apparently looked and sounded like a true Russian; I had several people stop me and ask me where to go.  Surprisingly, I was able to help!!

                After five weeks of living in a group home with 13 teenage girls, I moved back into the actual orphanage I lived in 10 years ago.  Of course, it was strange walking the same stairs, looking out the same windows and seeing some of the same staff, but what an experience; I looked at everything with a different perspective.  No longer was I one of the orphans running around, but I was someone that has a family.  It made me realize again how much God has blessed me and how I now get to share the blessings and love I've received with these children.   For a moment, I saw myself as one of the missionaries that came out to the orphanage when I lived there.  What a role change!!

                I was assigned to work with the 4-6 year old.   They are so precious!  We bonded the moment I walked in.  In the mornings, I helped feed them, bathe and dress them.  In the afternoons, I played with them or accompanied them on outings.  In the evenings, I tucked them in and read bedtime stories to them.  Some even started to call me mom- it’s heart breaking to see such beautiful, young children lacking a mother’s attention.  Constantly, they drew  pictures of their family being all together once again.

                One boy, in particular stood out to me; his name was Donya.  At first, he was distant and shy, but the more we spent time together, the more I fell in love with him. He was the youngest one there, and if I could, I would adopt him in a heartbeat!  When I would pick him up he’d say, “My mom thinks I’m too heavy, but you don’t.”  So much need expressed so simply made it hard to ever put him down.

                Every one of these ‘little snowflakes’ has a special place in my heart:  precocious Lada, curious Sveta, happy Nikita, soulful Polina, precious Alona ...   I will never forget their hugs and kisses.   I will never forget the moments I walked through the door and hear them all screaming “Yay! Aunt Ana is here!.” I will never forget the times we sat around and talked about how great our Heavenly Father is.  I truly felt used by God and blessed for the opportunity.  This time and these precious little ones are one of those treasures I’ve stored in my heart and stored up for myself in heaven.