Life, Love, Grace, or Carefree?

           

One of the things I got to do during my internship was to work with the various caregivers assigned to the group home.  This was a great learning experience for me on many different levels. 

                As background, the apartment houses up to a dozen girls, ages 11-17, for anywhere between a couple months to a little more than a year (whatever time it takes to sort out their parent’s situation).  Most girls have a background of poverty, neglect, alcoholism and abuse; most have developed a variety of bad habits (lying, stealing, ditching school, running away) and self-destructive behaviors (cutting, drinking, drug use, etc.).   Taken as a group, you can only imagine how difficult it must be to work with them.

                

There are four female social workers/caregivers assigned to the apartment; none of them live in (there is no house mom), instead, they all work alternating shifts.   Let’s call them, Zoya, Luba, Ania and Raisa (changed names.)  Their shifts were fairly regular, so the girls pretty much knew who would be working when.  All of the social workers were qualified, competent professionals, but each of them had a different personality and approach to their work.  Truly, I couldn't have asked for better exposure to real-life applications of behavioral theory.

              

 Zoya (life) is the oldest and most experienced of the social workers. She is probably in her 60’s.  If I was going to characterize her, I would say she is most like our stereotype of a ‘soviet’ woman.  She is a no-nonsense woman with an authoritative manner.  She is heavily invested in her approach to the girls; she believes they need a strong hand enforcing structure and control.  She believes that being very strict is what will keep the girls from ‘going bad’ later when they leave. 

                Despite having worked with disadvantaged kids for a number of years, she still has a strong life force that she desperately wants to share with these girls.  Zoya knows the statistics -- 9 out of 10 of these girls will likely fail life.  Too often, she’s seen what that failure looks like and she fears for these girls.  She also knows she has a very limited time to have any impact on them. 

. . . but perfect love casts out fear. . . 1 John 4:18

                Taking a completely opposite approach is Luba (love).  She is also an experienced social worker and I would guess she’s around 30 years old.  She’s a single mom that commutes a fair distance for the job and works long hours because she believes in what she’s doing.  Honestly, between work and being mom, I have no idea when she sleeps.  Her approach is to love the girls, show an interest in them and believe the best about them.  She always greets them with genuine smiles and speaks kindly to them even when they are rude in return.  She tries to offer correction in positive comments and doesn’t raise her voice or try to compete when the yelling starts.  She also invests a lot of herself in the girls and works many hours ‘off the clock’.  If a girl wants to talk, even as Luba’s leaving, she will put down her things, find a place to sit with her and listen as long as the girl needs to talk.  

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous, it does not brag, and it is not proud.  ⁵ Love is not rude, is not selfish, and does not get upset with others.

Love does not count up wrongs that have been done. ⁶ Love takes no pleasure in evil but rejoices over the truth. ⁷ Love patiently accepts all things. It always trusts, always hopes, and always endures. ⁸ Love never ends. . . 1 Cor. 13:4-8

               

                Ania (grace) is probably in her 50’s, single and has a very soft voice.  She tries to love the girls and reason with them but she is not as patient or consistent as Luba.     She can also be strict and engage in yelling.  She is probably the most like a real parent in that regard, trying different approaches to find what works.  Unfortunately, she is kind of a pushover and the girls know that and use it to their advantage.

But a Samaritan, who was on a journey, came upon him;

and when he saw him, he felt compassion, . . . Luke 10:33

                Finally, there is Raisa (carefree), a woman in her 50’s who is neither authoritarian nor gracious, but simply worn down.  She’s no longer trying to ‘save’ anyone, she’s happy to simply end her shift with the house not having burned down and no one requiring emergency medical treatment. In a conversation I had with her she told me, “It’s just plain useless to try to teach or parent them at this age, they have already picked up all the bad habits and won’t change.”

. . . do not grow weary of doing good . . 2 Thess 3:13

               While all the elements for success exist among these individuals, they don’t function at all like a team.  They’ve had department meetings and tried to outline a collective strategy, but they haven’t yet found a way to successfully integrate all their strengths into a solid, workable solution.  Of course, the girls, whose survival skills have been honed in broken homes or on the streets, are quick to manipulate (and abuse) the caregivers who are essentially ‘going it alone’.   The disappointing thing is they are EACH right and they are ALL wrong. 

                Zoya is absolutely right that the girls need structure.  Most of them have lived in dysfunctional, even dangerous homes.  They’ve had alcoholic parents.  They’ve been emotionally neglected and abused; some physically or sexually abused.  They haven’t had anyone nurturing them, teaching them right from wrong or giving them basic life skills.  They don’t know (or care) what acceptable behavior is and they don’t understand the concept of self-control.  However, her approach to imposing structure and control on them is constantly met with resistant (an odd exception is one girl who knows to remove her nose piercing when Zoya is on duty).  The girls are disrespectful and defiant; they smoke in the bedroom just to make her mad, some even schedule their running away based on when she’s working and their returning when she’s not.    Ultimately, Zoya loses ground with them as she allows them to manipulate her into screaming matches.  

                Luba is absolutely right that the girls need love, attention and mentoring.  They also need to feel safe and have an opportunity to heal, but they struggle trying to stand on ground that is always shifting, forcing them to react to one hostile environment after another.   The love that is so generously shown, the heartfelt words of affirmation spoken and the quality time so freely given by Luba only sometimes tips the balance (in the girls favor) when weighed against all the negative messages they’ve already internalized and the frequently hostile environment they live in. 

                Ania is right in that there is no single approach that works with all the girls all the time.  Even Raisa is right in that expectations need to be realistic and boundaries need to be set in order to maintain sanity and avoid work burn-out.  And, she recognizes that tools (structure, love, self-control, mentoring) are only effective when the girl herself chooses to pick up a tool, learn to use it and start building something for herself. 

                I do see the Lord has miraculously assembled this group of women, placed them together and given them a heart for these girls.  Please join in prayer for each of them that they not only come to know the Lord as their personal savior, but that they are filled with His Spirit, and that He would then ‘prosper the work of their hands’. 

But the fruit of the Spirit is love,

 joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness,

faithfulness, gentleness

and self-control  Gal 5:22

            Overall, living with the girls and getting to know the caregivers was a really a good experience for me.  I learned a lot about how the hurts in life change us and what it takes to overcome those hurts.  I learned a lot about parenting and coaching and what would or might work best for when I have an orphanage or other children under my care.  In closing, I will say that the girls were generally better behaved and calmer when Luba is in the apartment.  To me, this validates my belief that Love is the Key, to healing, wholeness and hope.  

So, while no one’s parenting or caregiving skills are perfect, it would be best to make mistakes on the side of love.